Angrymosquito.com

I have a few things to be pissed about these days I suppose. Actually I have a few thousand things to be angry about. For the sake of listing a google I will rant and rave for exacly five minutes…starting now!
1. I hate Christmas, not baby Jesus, but the “Holiday” portion. Talk about a designer celebration.
2. I would have had a few extra hundred somethings but someone helped themselves to my shit.
3. X-Mas is over-rated. I mean, shit, what the fuck are you happy about when it is ten fucking degrees out?
4. I used to have a reason to love christmas, but that got smashed with my locksafe.
5. That’s a funny word for a “lock-box”…SAFE!… that is supposed to keep personal items comfortably content within it’s boundaries. You’d be suprised what a few whacks of a hammer can do.
6. Damnit, I forgot that the hammer had an accomplice…the yellow/black phillips screwdriver.
7. So there really is a Grinch. I would love to meet this Grinch and beat the fuck out of him/her in the back corner of my yard.
8. I have to go…5 minutes is a long time when you are writing, I just wish taht could carry over to the bedroom when I’m…Outta time.

So here we are. Have you voted today? I did. It was fun. I had the honor to vote in the same precinct as some hot 19-year old blonde. How did I know she was 19? Well, how do I say this? She left her I.D. in the booth. I should have played it cool, kept my eyes on the ballot and completed the line to the appropriate issue. You see at my polling station we didn’t have to punch our ballots we had to draw a line to complete an arrow. Don’t laugh, that shit is hard to figure out. Well back to that blonde chick. So I stop voting and give her back her I.D. Idiot! I should have continued to exercise my American right and dropped her driver’s license off at her house sometime later tonight. But no, as a matter of fact, I just thought of that. I am a fucking moron. Well, in spirit of our once every four right, lets see why you should have voted today.
1. It’s November 2nd, if you’re retarded or paralized there is no excuse, you should vote.
2. Absentee ballots are for those who are absent, like soldiers at war. Unlike your job, you can’t call in sick to your voting precinct and ask if it’s ok if your buddy can bring a ballot to you. Lazy motherfucker.
3. You may run in to a hot soccer mom. Ask her who she is voting for. If she discloses her choice agree with it (if not take a stab and hopefully you’re right!). Act like you know a shit load of important information that you just so happen to catch on CNBC after you got out of the bar last night, at 2:37 in the morning. If you tell her you are voting for the very same candidate, and you show years of knowledge and compassion beyond your age for the candidate’s bullshit, chances are you will be fucking her in her husbands minivan within a half hour.
4. Just pretend that it’s that Budweiser vs. Miller campaign. It matters just as much.
5. Speaking of beer, I love beer.
6. I didn’t see any other country voting today. USA #1
7. Michigan is a “swing” state. Get out there and try different partners, hell swap’em in your booth.
8. There are two proposal’s to vote for. Prop. 1 wants casino’s to pay for schools, or was it that Native-American’s must consume less alcohol, in gallons, than their heritage population per person per year? More moonshine Cumswiththunder!
9. Oh yeah, Prop. 2 is about same sex marriage. Well, hmmmmmm. I tell you what. If a person wants to marry a kitty-cat. Go for it. If an individual wants to fuck their dog, more power to them. I really don’t care what people do. As long as I don’t see it or hear about it it’s cool with me. And if you want to fuck your sheep and give it health insurance thats fine. If Insurance companies can fuck who ever they want to then people should fuck who they want to.
10. Kerry vs. Bush. Let’s see twins…or a broad that can dunk?
11. I would nail either of their daughters.
12. The popular vote matters.
13. Florida. They have hanging-chads, we have snow.
14. America, as a proud citizen I urge you to put down the porno mag, and the Ruffles, and vote. How many opportunities are you going to have to yell at your T.V. one week from now about red and blue colored states? That’s what I thought.

HI! What is new friends?! Nothing here, just hanging-out-with-my-wang-in. Notice I said “IN?” What is this world coming to when a fairly handsome man, like me, can’t get laid? I have compiled a small list of reasons why there is dust on my pecker.
1. School has replaced any free time I have for the babes, I have resorted to intellectual conversation with the girls on the cover of ‘Maxim’.
2. My Nextel is the size of a VCR. It lacks the technology to capture photos of naked girls in the YMCA locker room, but it can microwave popcorn like a sonovabitch.
3. Who ever sang the song “There’s somethin’ women like about a pick-up man” is full of shit.
4. Those enlargement pills cost me $39.99 plus shipping and handling.
5. “ORDER WORRY FREE! 100% PRIVACY…All packages shipped in plain brown wrapping. The mailman won’t even know what’s in the box!” Yeah maybe the mailman won’t know but she sure as hell will.
6. Friends with benefits. Who is getting all of my benefits? Is this like 401k?.
7. Because furniture polish doesn’t get the job done. Jergens, on the other hand, does.
8. It is amazing what a 12 pack can do in three hours.
9. Every broad I meet has “boyfriend” all of a sudden.
10. Considering it a date when a girl takes you to Steak and Shake at 2:30 in the morning, and she is your “DD”.
11. Thinking the waitress at Hooters likes you. But she really just wants a good tip, like a stripper.
12. Every girl likes $1.00 out-the-door Miller High Life…right?
13. Unlucky number.
14. I am out with this chick and her ex-boyfriend calls me and asks for directions to the bar we’re at. Trying to impress the lady with my uncanny ability to navigate, I offer specific back-road access to our location. Little do I realize is that I don’t fucking work for mapquest and I’m mildly retarded.
15. My computer gets STD’s from looking at internet porn.
16. The angrymosquito.com thong I wear doesn’t git-r-done.
17. Budweiser is not the proper substitute for whipped cream.
18. Ashlee Simpson has not returned any of my phone calls.
19. Girls say “I like a man in uniform” …cut the shit already. Women want a man with a ten incher and half a mil.
20. Over worked and under payed syndrome.
21. 43 seconds just ain’t doin’ it.
22. Good number to stop on.
High Heat Life. It’s where it’s at.

So we have another “welcome week” on our hands. Its not the MSU by any means. Its G-Rap version 7.1. I have been thinking really hard the last month and a half about what I hate the most. And I have compiled a small list for your bitchasses. Sit back and get ready to flip off the screen with me. My top 25 Reasons High Heat Life…
1. No Money = No Beer
2. No Money = No Bitches
3. GVSU and all of its wonderful homework
4. Working 40 a week and still no moola
5. Carson Daly. I get two hours a week to watch TV and for some reason he’s still on every fucking channel
6. Green Bay Packers
7. Those little fuzzies from the tree in the backyard that go all over the fucking place
8. Gas Prices
9. David Letterman’s stupid jokes
10. Empty Fridge
11. Lack of BJ’s
12. Kerry vs. Bush. Who cares. Vote Uncle Sven in 2004
13. The Lions will never win the Super Bowl before I die
14. L.A. Lakers
15. Clock-watching
16. Greedy NHL players union
17. Bill Parcels
18. Psychologically unstable Women
19. Friends that fight about stupid shit like 5 year olds
20. Joey Harrington and his “happy feet”
21. Dutch Mafia
22. Hooters got rid of 25 cent wing day
23. Beer prices at the bar. $3.75 for a bottle of beer?!
24. Shaquille O’Neal
25. Charles Roger’s and his glass collarbone

Might as well, I am fucking here after all with nowhere to run and nowhere to drink. Shit. I got my grades back tonight. I hate them. I hate school in general and I hate Capital One. they need to make a credit card that is glued to your fucking body because then people, like me, wouldn’t try to but the whole city of East Lansing a slice. But hey, it was only activated for 15 hours before I found out it wasn’t in my wallet. “What’s in your wallet?” NOTHING you FUCKING bastards! I hate Capital One two times. Well I am out of hate for tonight. Eat shit and hate your ass off.

I HIGH HEAT THE LAKERS!

The “Big one-six” alright bitches! So here I am, and Sosa is not. Heaven sent, that I do not know. Lets talk school, ohhhh, I know that sounds like fun. But alas I must talk about what my life is 24 hours a day, fifteen days a week. I swear to God I won’t die of a heart attack, just this week…maybe. So life sucks, yeah I know, but you need to fill me in, oh, you can’t, too bad, I’ll just let you know that high heat life, and life high heats me. Goddamn you asshole, not you, my life. So GVSU isn’t where its at, I know, I know, you probably think its the best place in world to go to college, but I am here to tell you that you’re a fuckin’ moron. Jesus doesn’t even like the joint I swear, ok Jesus likes everything and everyone, that was clearly a bad lie, I’m a dick. Well kiss my ass and I’m outta here fuckers. Remember, soccer is for the limp-wristed and mentally challenged. Bye.

just for old-times-sake, here is the one, and only, Sosa…(just one, little man i guess)

Alright kiddies… I’m back to my old column. If that poses a problem for any of you. You can kiss my fat ass, and then you kiss my converse… or you can do it the other way around, but I’ll let you pick. Shit… wait a minute. Does that make me gay like my ex said I was last night? FUCK!!! I’m all confused now. I feel like a little shoolgirl at the Lilith Fair listening to Sara Maclachlan and touching myself. Wait, that’s a whole other story.

So, I’m drinkin’ some brews over at Stress’ pad. I’m enjoying myself, but HIGH HEAT LIFE is still in full effect you ignorant fucks… Oh, sorry, I mixed you a-holes up with my ex again. Yes, just like yesterday, I am still the fucking man, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not an idiot.

Yes, I’m lean(well kind of), and I’m mean… but I’m not a George Foreman grill. I’m not even black. Well, I heard about the mailman that one time with my mom, and I guess I do mean Karl Malone, but he never paid his child support. What a piece of shit. Him and Johnny Stockton should move back to Salt Lake City and tell all the mormon people that they’re gay. There’d be a witch-hunt there for sure. It’d look like Frankenstein’s birthday, or it’d just like a lynch mob. Either way… you’re fucked, and I’m still not getting any child support.

On a lighter note… my zippo still works.

Wow… that was lame, but so is one of my testicles. Wait… that’s my ex talking again. Is she here? I’m still waiting to have my ass beat. She might be man enough to take me down, but Stress is more of a woman than she’ll ever be.

Am I done yet? I bet you’re asking yourselves that right about now. All I have to say to that is… if you’re done, then I want the rest of your food. I’m a broke mother fucker you rich bastards, but I guess it all depends on what you’re done with. If you’re done with your woman… I’ll take her too. Cuz she can’t be as psycho as my ex. Trust me, it’s not possible, and I could really use a date for V-Day. If you’re done with your mom though… leave her to Timmy(thanks for that one Stress)… he still believes that women, like wine, get better with age. Yeah… he drinks more than me too. I think that has something to do with it, but, then again, what the fuck do I know…

I’m just here to “entertain” you fuckers, and, if you’re entertained by this, then you don’t get out much. Neither do I though. That’s why I’m here after all, but I won’t be here much longer. I just farted, and it’s going to kill me like a fucking gas chamber. That’s okay though, because I’m all for capital punishment. Including execution of the mentally challenged… which categorises such people as my ex and Stress. I hate to put them both in the same category, but what can you do? When you’re right, you’re really right, and when you’re wrong… you’re gay… like my ex says I am. Did I tell you that me and Stress are getting married. That’s a secret though. DON’T TELL ANYONE!!! I MEAN IT!!! I don’t want to get my ass beat in some dark alley. Well, if I was gay, maybe I would, and I would definitely fuck Tim, but since I’m not… there’s no chance of that happening. So Tim will just have to keep on his fuckfest with Dildo. And no… I don’t mean Dildo as a sex toy… I mean Dildo as in Doofy. Once again… thanks to Stress for some input. DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER YOU ASSHOLES!!!! And don’t have sex with my ex out on Division… she has V.D. I just gave her AIDS. I’m going to hell. Doesn’t that suck. Not really. Cuz I hear they have fresh donuts down there. That doesn’t really make sense, but if you watch the Simpsons… you’d know what the fuck I’m talking about… you retards. Yeah… I’m still the man.

Later fuckers… and, as I’ve ended EVERY high heat life column I’ve ever done…. remember…

Spandex is a prilege… Not a right.

so here we are, what is left of my well-being. not so fast dumb-ass. i went to school today (there’s a first for everything i guess) and i found another long-lost relative, his name is jason and he sits next to me in my race and ethncity class. how awesome is that? just one more person i won’t have to buy christmas presents for, fortunately for j-dawg, christmas is behind us. oh yeah, before i forget, i hate school, life, the devil, the packers, the vikings (not the sailors), and movies with keanu reeves in them. if i spelled his name wrong, you and him can suck my pee tube (you might have to dust it off first). well thats all that ends all. just remember that sooner or later the world will come to an end. in the mean time, get drunk, have sex, hang-out with your wang-out, and most of all, high heat life. go cubs.

son of a bitch. i just want to say that you can kiss my ass, lick my balls, and make me breakfast…cause i am hungry for your love. i need a friend, one that will be at my poker games, and lend my fifty-bucks when i am in a pinch and the russian guy sitting across from me just got off of his cellular phone…next thing you know i am out in the alley with a mild concusion and a bottle of jack…fuck your mom and make me some eggs.