Archive for September, 2004»
mm.. here ya go GM..,
ASS HAIR
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK. “There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.” Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn’t
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON’T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
Original post http://www.graphic-forums.com/showthread.php?
threadid=1653&perpage=10&pagenumber=1
OMG!!! This is so terrible, there like hasn’t been an update from me in ages! Yes, I’m still alive n’ kickin..barely! I am such a g-ma these days its unreal!!! Well, lots has happened inthe last 2 months since I’ve updated though, so..”let’s start from the very biginning,a very good place to start”…
So, I moved out of my house 
Things are going well. I’ve been working a ton and with being the VP of Med Tech Student Assoc. this year and workin and school and my other student groups…life has been a chaotic mess, but luckily…I got some time to escape the realities of life and head out west!
Yes, Jon and I went out to Vegas for his roomates’ wedding and met up with the the long lost James. It was great, I can honestly say, “Now I’ve…had…the time of my life” (ok ok, I’ll stop with the breaking out in song bit), but I honestly can’t explain that weekend other than a serious blast and a time I’ll never forget!
Upon returing to MSU, I had a gear up for a thrilling weekend of tailgating and football. Goodtimes, goodtimes. But seriously, I was drunk, so…don’t remember too much about those good times. Yeah, the game was a dud, but I took a nap then anyway. I ended up gettin tickets from some dude I met at Montes a few weeks prior (random, I know) but ..hey, he was a good pillow in the game, lol.
Now that we’re on sports, my niece Brielle, just turned 5 and started soccer. I have yet to see her in action, but as my mom told me, I didnt’ miss much. She doesn’t think she’s gonna be a soccer player..lol, well, I’ll still hope and pray!!! I gotta be that soccer aunt ya know ;).
Well, onto school…med tech is stressing me out and my career options are in the air. Who knows what the hell i wanna do with my life these days, I’ve been debating between a lot of options lately and only time can tell right? I’m still young…and life goes on…no need to be hasty, just gotta stay on track (whichever one that is…). Aight, enough rambling on and on about my boring life, like y’all care right? What was I thinking!?! I will be in GR this friday night, but after this long week, unsure of if I wanna do it up or whatnot..Havne’t seen my family in awhile and miss em like crazy! Gotta love cute ma n’ pops!
Miss all you guys too, what the hell is everyone up to? call me and fill me in…dont wanna be otta the loop!
Well, the hoe is signin off, but…seriously, remember…sPARTY on!!! :o)~
Life in Daytona Beach could not have anymore “Drama” than what I thought. Yes everynight we pretty much drink…We drink alot at my place cause me and 2 other girls got this awesome house that has this loft that looks over the living room. It kicks ass, just gotta be careful when everyones been drinking..Ya never know when you might get a total moran that feels like jumping off it and trying to land on the couches but will instead hit the fan first. Anyways I have way too many drunk stories but one that actually happened last night is by far the best. To make a long story short, lets just say my two roomates who definetly need to learn to grow up and act their age and one of my friends from work who we’ll call “Ghetto Central” (if you met her you’d know exactly what Im talking about) anyways they all dont eachother well besides my two roomates..Anyways they got home from some party and decided together..Hey lets start shit w/ her. Well we were all out in the garage smoking minding our own business and they come out and start talking shit to her..Let me remind you were all drunk as fuck. Well one of my roomates pushes her and what does she do back..punches her right in the face. It was hilarious and by now we have all 3 of the girls pulling eachothers hair and hitting one another. I really didnt know what to do cause I really didnt want the police coming. Thank god we had some guys there to get them away from eachother. Very awkward for me now. Bascailly though its all just gonna be forgotten b/c we were definetly NOT sober and usually we all forget what we do when we’ve been drinking. Thats one story for ya. Maybe not funny for you but then I guess its something where you had to be at the time.
Off that subject..I finally got all my shit sent in for my Florida Cosmetology License so now I just gotta sit back and wait for that licese to arrive in the mail. SOOOOOOo excited about it though.I’ve been out of school now for a year and a half..its about time I start with my career and start “growing up”. Well enough babbling from Sheena tonight. I will tell you though, its so much easier writing this while drinking Captain than being completly sober. Hope you all enjoyed it!! I will try and update more often with all the good stories! Take care everyone
~Xena~
Here’s to the good life or so they say
All those parties and games that all those people play
They tell me this is the place to be
All these beautiful people and nothin’ to see
Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don’t belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I’ve lost what I found, it’ll all turn around
On the other side of a coin
There’s a face there’s a memory somewhere that I can’t erase
And there’s a place that I find someday
But sometimes I feel like it’s slippin’ away
Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don’t belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I’ve lost what I found, it’ll all turn around
Some things are lost some left behind
Some things are better left for someone else to find
Maybe in time I can finally see
I just wonder, wonder if you think about me
Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don’t belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I’ve lost what I found, it’ll all turn around
and remember, Life in the City ain’t pretty