Archive for February 4th, 2004:
Well… I suppose… it’s time for another thrilling, exciting, and totally unnecessary column from the one and only ME… Sosa… you know… that one guy… used to live with Stamp and Zorro a long time ago… You guys used to come over to the pad… we called it casserole. Anyway…
So I have the day off, and I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ to myself… Hey, I don’t have shit to do. Maybe I’ll update my column. Then I decided to go ahead and do it. Isn’t that great? Okay. I’m smokin’ and drinkin’ some mountain dew. My stomach’s all fucked up, and I’ve got my court date tomorrow for my DUI. From what I understand, my fines are gonna be cut substantially, but I get to go to traffic school and do some kind of alcohol test or some shit. That sucks because I like to drink, but I’ve learned my lesson as to the whole drinking and driving thing.
I think the part where I learned my lesson was bein’ locked up in the drunk tank at Kent County with the same bum who asked me for change just before I walked into Gardella’s that night. He even told me that I looked familiar. That was poetic fucking justice at it’s finest right there. I don’t know what it is about mugshots either, but even I look like a criminal in mine. Go figure…
Yep… that was a fun night. They told me I was under arrest. I asked if they were going to read me my rights. They said I watch too much TV. I felt like they’ve known me my whole life.
The best part though was messing with the arresting officer in the big breathalizer room. I just wouldn’t drop that I wanted to know how they determine what, and I’ll see if I can remember this right keep in mind I was drunk, .8 units of alcohol per liter of blood is. After I asked that question about ten times the officer started to get pissed and finally admitted that they didn’t know, and I was going to have to take the damn breathalizer or be strapped down to have blood drawn. Then they gave me sixty seconds to decide what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted someone else to come in who could explain the whole alcohol to blood thing. Then I asked for a lawyer. Then the officer said no. So I asked about why I was being denied the opportunity to talk to a lawyer. The officer said they’d get me a phone book so I could call one. That was interesting. Officer left the room, stayed in plain view of me the whole time, didn’t talk to anyone or even look for a phone book, came back in a minute later and said that they changed their mind. I said I wanted the phone book, and asked about my right to a lawyer. Cop said I didn’t have any rights. Go figure, all this time I thought the system was about due process. Anywho, I now had ten seconds to blow in the tube, or be strapped down by a bunch of city/county boys. If I were gay… the choice would’ve been clear, but since I’m not… I finally gave up and blew in the tube.
After I did that the officer was my best fucking buddy all of the sudden. Who knew? I guess I’m just a fun guy when I’m drunk.
Well that’s my story, and the conclusion… well, that should be tomorrow. Once again, I’d like to thank the system for being a piece of dog shit, and remember ladies and germs…
IT’S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO REEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!