Archive for April 10th, 2002:
Well, the man is back up in this mother fucker….coming at you at the end of a big event and on the day of another……yesterday was my 21st birthday and a blast, thanks to everyone who came out….and also today is an anniversary with a very special (and lucky as far as I am concerned) girl out there who means the world to me…..but enough of this lovey dovey shit before I puke…….Thanks to the anonymous texan fucker out there who decided that I was gonna puke last night and actually made five bucks off it…..thanx to my first and last shot of 151 ever……..on to the meaty shit…. we are bringing a blast from the past with and advice column……
Dear Dildo,
I have been talking to a female online for like 6 months now and we have really bonded and she lives fairly close to me….i am a 26/m and she is a beautiful blode who plays tennis and looks like a supermodel…….She told me she would like to meet me……but, she is asking for my credit card so she can take the train to see me…..I have a great feeling that this maye be the one forn me…..I think I am in love…..What do you suggest that I do?
-Lustful in L.A.
Dear Lustful,
I don’t even know where to start with your dumb ass…First of all, if you have time to sit and talk to this chick for 6 months straight every night, you are probably too much of a loser for me to even help….but Dildo will give you a little something…..This “beautiful blonde tennis player” you are talking to online is most likely a 50 year old fat man who types with one hand while chatting with you…..”she ” would probably like to do more than meet you….I am thinking somewhere along the lines that this old man wants to ride on your hershey highway…..That is if this person isn’t really a chick and trying to scam your dumb ass….From how stupid I can already tell you are, you will probably just ignore what I say and end up with a sore ass or a maxed out credit card….but, either way, people as stupid as you should be shot by firing squad….thanks for the letter…and remember, control the kid population…have your kids spayed or neutered…if all else fails…be a prick
-The Prickmaster, Dildo
Well, I towed a dump truck in. The front wheels of the wrecker were off the ground. I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t steer, I could hardly get the damn dump truck off the ground… but our boss says that our 15 year old wrecker does the job just fine and we don’t need a new one… yet we have over $5 in the budget THAT WE DONT SPEND!!!!!
Look what we have here folks. Its Sports Center back in’ that ass up. Right now. Well lets see what I can waste my time on tonight. Not saying ya’ll (that ones for Shada) don’t read this shit. Jumpin’ to the NBA (thats professionl basketball for all of you fuckin’ morons). More good news pumpin’ from Motown. The Pistons clinched the Central division title last night with a 105-99 win over the Alanta Hawks. Pistons head coach Rick Carlisle said ” Can you believe this shit, these motherfuckers ain’t won in forever man, I hate the Wolverines!” You go Ricky. Player of the game went to center Zeljko Rebraca who finished with 18 points and 13 boards. High scorer for the game was guard Chucky Atkins with 20 points. Get your Piston playoff tickets now at www.detroitpistons.com. Over to somethin’ else…Don’t forget about the Rampage who kickoff their 2002 home season on April 20th against the Detroit Drive, er, Fury. Go out and cheer onyour 2001 AFL champs. Tickets are goin’ fast. Lets do some binge drinking and stumble over to Comerica Park. Ah the Tigers. They managed to fire everyone but the players. Idiots. The only one worth keeping is Higgy. Barry Bonds has more homeruns than the Tigers. Nice. Fuckin’ Losers! Down to Arlington where pitcher John “Racist” Rocker blew his first save tonight. Maybe the Rangers should take some of that quarter billion dollars they pay A-Rod and buy a new team. Hell with that kinda money they could afford the Twins, Tigers, Angels, and the City of Montreal, combined. Yes, the Tigers are 0-7. Off to their worse start since 1920 or some shit. After what I have seen over the last 15 years thats kinda hard to believe. Look on the bright side the Tigers are probably good enough to play for the Yankees Double A club. Even thats pushin’ it. Alright time to see if anyone reads this column. CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT! Who ever can guess correctly the Lions first pick in the April 20th NFL Draft gets, you guessed it, five bucks. Fuck you, I’m broke. Ok assholes post your predictions on the on liners or on whatever Timmay comes up with. Well its been soooooooo reeeeeeaaaal. For sports dones right, have a helluva night.